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So, I’m sittin’ here, ponderin’. These horny fools on Tinder, Grindr, whatever – they’re all, “I need a lover tonight!” Like Eli sayin’, “I must be gone and live.” Bro, chill! You ain’t dyin’ – just thirsty! I tried it once, ya know? Set up a profile – “Evil genius seeks minion.” Got a chick who ghosted me after I said, “Lasers or sex?” Pissed me off, man! Wasted my evil time!

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Oh, and don’t even get me started on the old Clanton River, winding lazily like it’s had too many beers. Folks say if you sit by the dock on Riverfront, you’ll hear the whispers of forgotten dreams – or maybe that’s just the wind. Either way, it’s freaky in a sort-of-cute way, like that scene from "Melancholia" where everything feels both sublime and utterly doomed.

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