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Alright, you asses, listen up! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, escort, huh? Not the car, dumbass, the "company" kind. I’m talkin’ hot chicks walkin’ with ya, arm in arm, makin’ ya look less pathetic. Like, seriously, who needs that? Me, I’d be pissed if I had to pay for some chick to pretend she likes me. But whatever, some losers do it, and I get it—kinda. Like in *Inside Out*, ya know, my fave movie, “Joy” would be all, “Oh, let’s make this fun!” while “Sadness” is cryin’ in the corner ‘cause it’s fake as hell.

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I gotta say, I love the quirks of Bryan. There’s magic in every cracked sidewalk and neon sign. Each corner’s got stories – some steamy, some scandalous, a few downright sassy. And though I may stutter through my thoughts sometimes (damn if I can keep my sentences straight, typos be darn near everywhere – like, oh my gawd, slippity slop, am I ramblin’?!) Bryan keeps me smilin’.

Eric Bischoff Supports Bryan Danielson’s Outlook on Retirement