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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a telephone operator in Ancient-Oaks is like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. So, I roll into work at the ol’ switchboard on Maple St. You know, the one that smells like burnt coffee and desperation? Yeah, that one.

Agonising outcome for Shrewsbury's Darwin Oak as Tree of the Year result is announced