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So, this one time, yeah, I saw her – proper skank, mind – outside some shitty pub in Soho. Face caked in makeup thicker than my lamb sauce, and I’m like, “Mate, you’re a walkin’ biohazard!” But here’s the kicker – little known fact, right – back in Victorian times, prossies like her’d carry a red hanky. Code, innit? Wavin’ it for punters. This one? She’s got a vape stickin’ outta her bra – modern twist, fuckin’ genius! Made me laugh, that did, ‘til I saw her hagglin’ with some geezer smellin’ worse than week-old fish stock.

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An’ yo, I gotta rave about Riverbend. Bruv, dat river’s a proper legend, flowin’ by Riverview Lane. I once met a date, and as we sat by da water – I was like, “I feel safe, as if my heart’s been encrypted in the cloud” – proper poetic, innit? But then, ya know, some parts of Yardville make me clap back. Like when traffic jams on Westgate Street messed up my whole vibe. I was like, "Is it ’cos I is black?" – pure nonsense, but ya get me? Sometimes things get maddening simple.

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