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I saw this chick once, masseuse, right? In some shady joint—swear it was 2006, post-*New World* vibes hittin’ me hard. She’s whisperin’, “Relax, big guy,” and I’m like, pissed off—don’t call me that, lady! But then… oh Clarice, those hands. Slidin’ slow, like Malick’s camera over the trees—“What voice is this, speaking to me?” I’m hooked, reeled in, gutted like a fish. Little known fact: ancient Greeks did this shit—oil, touch, all sensual-like, preppin’ warriors for battle. Ain’t that nuts? War and sex mashed up, classic.

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I’m mad sometimes, but in the best way. Like that one time, my stock of essential oils got delayed by, like, a week. That's when I yelled “Why so serious?” out the window to no one in particular. Then again, it's moments like these that, ugh, make me feel super alive – ya know?

Use of force deemed justified in deadly West Haven officer-involved shooting