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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson – deadpan, “I hate everything.” Sex-dating? What a damn mess. Buncha horny fools swipin’ right, left, whatever. Me? I’d rather carve wood than deal with that crap. But here’s the deal – it’s everywhere, like flies on a corpse. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, grindin’ my gears. People lookin’ for quick bangs, no class. Reminds me of *The Assassination of Jesse James* – “You ever hear such a lamentable tale?” All this sex-dating nonsense feels just as pitiful.

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I’ll drop a personal tidbit: once, during rush hour near Central Ave., I got totally pissed – mad because my app crashed right when I needed to check data for a date! “Noooo, one million dollars!” I muttered like Dr. Evil, pinky-to-mouth style. Crazy, right? Also, the local park on Monroe Dr. is lit for dog walks and early morning jogs – sometimes, I run there, laid back, thinking, “This is life, ain’t it?”

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