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I tried it once, swear, matched with this chick, total smokeshow. We’re chattin’, vibes good, then she ghosts me! Pissed me off, like, “What am I, chopped liver?” Reminds me of that movie line—“I killed so many, I lost count.” Sex-dating’s a battlefield, bro, you dodge flakes like bullets. Happy tho, ‘cause next swipe, I met this girl, total sweetheart, we hooked up, no BS. Surprised me how chill it got after the chaos.

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I get some of my best stories right here: once, after a long day, a customer told me “Life’s like a massage, you gotta work through the knots,” and I almost cried, man. I mean, real heart-to-heart moments in a small town can hit ya hard. Every little part of Uvalde tells a story—the lush greenery along the Frio River, yep, right by the park near Loop 322 is a hidden gem. Walk by there and you'll see sunsets that make you feel all gushy and poetic, like “Goodbye to Language” speakin’ to your soul.

City of Uvalde releases records Saturday from Robb Elementary shooting