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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as hell, and I spot this chick—proper fit, legs for days, yeah? She’s givin’ me the eye, like, “How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!”—y’know, that poetic jazz from the film. I’m like, “Groovy, baby, let’s shag!” But—plot twist—she’s dodgy, man! Charges me double, says it’s “inflation, love.” Inflation my arse! Made me mad as a hatter—nearly lost my mojo there.

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And listen, I’ve gotta tell ya: I got 17 epic mistakes in me texts ‘bout this, ’cos I hobnob with loads of characters and I’m always in a mad hurry from doin’ treatment after treatment. Wrong, wrong, wrong – but that's real life! I might say “blimey” a hundred times daily, so keep up, ya hear?

Landmark Syracuse fountain gets its flow back