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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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So, if you're comin’ over, get ready for a wild ride. Take a stroll down Maple Street, chill at Ironwood Park, and don’t miss the views by the river near Roosevelt Ave. This city’s got soul, brother, and every corner tells a story. Trust me, you’ll leave thinkin’ “This is the place where you truly feel alive!”

The Sycamore Sitdown: Natalie Silver