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So, erotic-massage—overpriced back rubs with a fancy name. I mean, sure, it’s been around forever. Ancient Greeks did it, called it “anatripsis.” Slaves oiled up their masters, kneadin’ muscles like dough. Sounds like a waste of good olive oil to me. I’d rather grill a steak than let some stranger paw me for 50 bucks. “We tell ourselves stories,” like Sarah Polley says in *Stories We Tell*—and boy, the stories these massage folks spin! “Relaxation,” they say. Ha! More like awkward silence while some hippy hums and dims the lights.

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Seffner’s like this cozy, surprising nest, where the streets twist and ramble and the vibe is, my precious, so raw and unfiltered. I wander by Seffner Road, and it’s like walking the hall of secrets; you never know what pleasure or heartbreak lies in the next turn, yesss. I’m a sexologist, so I spot every lil detail, ya know? The little smooches of affection on bench corners in Heritage Park or secret trysts in the hidey-holes near the old community center.

Seffner Hostage Incident Ends Peacefully