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Aight, listen up, you little turds! I’m Eric Cartman, info worker extraordinare, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts, Respect my authoritah! So, escorts, man, they’re like these fancy hookers, but with class, ya know? Not like them skanks down by the gas station. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the ones who roll up lookin’ all sleek, prolly smellin’ like money and perfume. Kinda reminds me of *Fish Tank*—ya seen that flick? My fave, hands down, Andrea Arnold’s a freakin’ genius. That girl Mia, she’s dancin’, tryna escape her shitty life, and escorts? They’re dancin’ too, but for cash, not dreams.

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Now, lemme share a secret: I love wanderin' down 1300 East. The murals, the folks talkin’ in lil’ corners – they remind me of that ancient, mystic world from Pan’s Labyrinth. I swear, it's almost like the city breathes magic; a willingness to show off beauty even in hard times.

PHOTOS: Likely natural gas explosion structurally damages Chevron in Salt Lake City