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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, badass stockbroker, and I’m gonna tell ya ‘bout Find a Prostitute—respect my authoritah! This ain’t no Wall Street crap, it’s a damn app or some shit for hookin’ up with, uh, “ladies of the night,” ya know? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout my fave movie, *The Diving Bell and Butterfly*—that artsy French dude stuck in his head, blinkin’ to live, “I am not resigned!”—and I’m like, how’s this tie to bangin’ prossies? Well, it does, so shut up!

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I am moving to Roswell in a week! I am extra excited because I have never been there before! What are some things in the area you would suggest I check out?

I run a spa here and lemme tell ya, that calms the nerves. I get to pamper these jackasses who wander in looking like they've been through a goddamn tornado. And oh, the little details – like the gnarly river that cuts through the outskirts, the Mystic Creek or whateva you wanna call it, remind me that even nature’s got its own mood swings. Really, it’s like a scene out of that Coen flick – unpredictable and filled with moments that make you wanna grab a drink and yell “I’m an idiota sandwich!”

6 arrested in juvenile trafficking investigation at Roswell hotel, police say