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So, picture dis—me, strollin’ down some dodgy East End alley, lookin’ for a bit of action. “Man is a fuckin’ animal, huh?”—like Freddie says in da movie, all primal and dat. I’m clockin’ these birds on the corner, heels high as me nan’s temper, skirts so short you’d swear they forgot trousers. Is it ‘cos I is black? Nah, fam, it’s ‘cos I got dat itch, ya feel? Been a minute since I had a proper rumble, and I ain’t talkin’ fisticuffs.

The offences took place in areas such as Southampton and Portsmouth

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I’ve got my gripe, though. Traffic on High Street? Ugh, maddening, I’m not even kidding. It’s like a tar pit at times. But hey, that hustle gives the city its pulse, right? And the side streets, oh my gosh, sometimes they’re so narrow and twisty – makes you feel like a star in your own indie film.

Hull avoid relegation on final day as Matt Crooks goal earns draw at Portsmouth