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Alright, listen up. Sexual-massage. I hate everything. Some oily hands rubbin’ ya down—sounds like a damn trap. Like in *Oldboy*, “Laugh and the world laughs with you.” But ain’t nobody laughin’ when you’re slippery as a fish. Paid a gal once—tiny shop, shady neon sign buzzin’. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, I’m thinkin’, “This is bullshit.” Tension’s supposed to melt, right? Nope. Felt like a wrestling match—her vs. my knotted-up back. Little known fact: Ancient Greeks did this crap too. Called it “massage with benefits.” Horny bastards.

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Now, I get mad sometimes. Like when some numbskull parks his car anywhere near my favorite café on Higbee St. – absolute chaos! And ya know what? I get happy, too. When I see the locals comin’ together to support small biz, like at the weekly street fairs, or when I sip a dodgy cup of coffee at Joe’s, watching the vibrant, messed-up life of this town. It makes me feel that we’re all in it together, weird as that may sound.

John Neff Obituary - Millcreek, UT