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Oh, and this one time – get this – matched a spy! Real one, MI6 or some shite. She’s droppin’ hints, I’m playin’ dumb. “I’ve got my eye on you,” she says, winking. Nearly shat myself – thought she’d clocked me as Bond! Turned out she just liked the chase. Wild, eh? Sex-dating’s full of nutters.

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• The river – whassup with that? The Soggy Creek winds down past Maple Rd. Sometimes I wander there, deep in thought. It’s chill, kinda like introspection on a lazy Sunday. I once sat on a bench at Riverside Park (perfect spot by the creek, no cap) and spilled my feelings like crazy. "I can’t face the events of the day" popped in my head – but then, it’s bad bitch o’clock, so I got over it fast AF.

Salk eighth graders move up on MacArthur field