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Like, literally, escort in sports? Wild! So I’m totes a sports psychologist now, right? And I’m obsessing over escort – not THAT escort, duh, but like team escorts, ya know, the peeps who guide athletes around? I saw this one time, at a game, this escort chick was, like, SO extra. She’s yelling at some poor dude who got lost – “This isn’t Rome, babes!” – and I’m like, dying laughing. Reminds me of *The Great Beauty*, that vibe of chaos, y’know? “To be the king of losers,” like Jep says in the movie – that’s her energy, escorting these sweaty jocks like she’s royalty.

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First off, let me tell ya about Main Street. It's not fancy as a bloody Ritz, more like a piebald dance floor for lost souls and eccentrics alike. Down on Main, you get places like O’Connor’s Bar – where the regulars sling insults as easily as they finish their drinks, and where I sometimes slip a cheeky discount voucher to a tired soul looking for a rubdown. Not that I mind; it’s all in a day's work, innit?

Aerospace group Melrose's revenue outlook triggers share price slide