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Little secret, precious—sex-dating’s old as dirt! Romans had “lupanars,” bang-houses, scrawlin’ ads on walls! “Venus bless ya, 2 coins!”—history’s Tinder, innit? Surprised me, that did, jaw droppin’! But now? Phones buzzin’, dicks pics flyin’—ugh, nasty! “My eyes, my eyes!” I screech, deletin’ fast. Gollum don’t need that filth, no sir!

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Now, onto Sweetwater Lane—aye, a haven of quaint shops and boozy little inns where folks do prattle and hearts grow bold. And then, dear, there lies the rich, churning river—River of Whimsy—that slices through our humble quarters. Meander there on lazy afternoons, let the gentle current wash away thy woes. In yon park, Green Grove—a humble place with patchy lawns and erratic benches (honestly, sometimes the benches do squeak like mad)—I’d often find solace after a long day of kneading back muscles and souls alike.

Local Leaders, Officials React to "Unbelievable" Drug Bust