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Hiss! Precious, sex-dating, nasty little game! We loves it, we hates it—tricksy apps, swipin’ left, right, ugh! Like in *Children of Men*, “the world’s gone mad,” innit? No babies there, but here—too much randiness! Me, Gollum, sees it all, sneaky-like. Sex-dating’s a mess, a thrill, a curse! Profiles lie, pics fake—catfishin’ fools everywhere! “You can’t trust no one,” like Kee said. Met this one hobbit—er, bloke—on Tinder, said he’s 6’2, showed up 5’4, HA! Laughed me head off, then cried.

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First off, let me start by saying: Main Street, especially along 1st Ave, is where all the magic happens. I stroll those blocks and think, "This is my realm," kind of like how Riley felt all those crazy emotions in Inside Out, ya know? Across the street at the old café on Baker St, sometimes I overhear love confessions like in the best romcom – sometimes sweet, sometimes downright messy.

Ex-Sunderland midfielder set to become free agent after leaving Championship rivals