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It’s showtime! Alright, lemme spill on escorts—yep, those fancy “companions” folks hire. I’m talkin’ fast, so buckle up, pal! Escorts, man, they’re like ghosts—poppin’ up when ya least expect. Kinda like me, Beetlejuice, zappin’ outta the Netherworld! I dig ‘em, sorta—they got guts, y’know? Hustlin’ in a world that’s all judgy and crap. Reminds me of “The Secret in Their Eyes”—that flick I’m obsessed with. That line, “How do you live a life full of nothing?”—damn, it hits hard. Escorts, they’re livin’ somethin’, not nothin’, even if society’s all “eww, gross.”

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My fave neighborhood? Gotta be the one round Elm Park. It's small, it's quirky, and the folks ain't pretentious. There's this café on 3rd Oak, run by a guy who always yells “Gabagool? Ova here!” like he means it—classic Tony style. I was there last week, got mad happy when my order came out with extra espresso. I almost cried tears of joy, y'know?

Jim Gaffigan to perform at Live Oak Bank Pavilion