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So, here’s the deal—met this chick online, profile screamin’ “fun, no strings.” Thought, *perfect*, right? We’re vibin’, drinks flowin’, then bam—she’s talkin’ marriage by dessert! Clarice, I nearly choked on my Chianti. Sex-dating’s s’posed to be quick, dirty, not a damn opera. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…”—pfft, more like the greatest lie you’ll ever swipe.

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So, buddy, when you get here, just immerse yourself. Walk down the crooked sidewalks on Arch St. or chill out by the old factory turned art loft. Let the city's little imperfections wash over you like, uh, warm confetti. And if all else fails, just remember: “the state of nature is forever changed,” and you're part of that river, flowin’ with the madness and the magic that fills every cranny of this place.

Jeffersonville High School sends boys basketball team to title game with 'March of Champions'