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Oh, and get this—prostitutes in them fancy legal joints? They gotta pay fees, rent, all that jazz. Ain’t no goldmine, sweetie! I read once, some gal in Nevada spent her haul on a pet tiger—lordy, a TIGER! I’m over here savin’ for a new wig, and she’s got Tony the Tiger prowlin’ her trailer. Surprised me so bad I near bout dropped my guitar.

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Then there’s Eastview neighb’hood. I used to coach pleasure seekers there, and oh boy, the vibes! Narrow lanes, graffiti on walls callin’ out “Why so serious?”—yep, you hear me—manic laughter echoing like an old chuckle from a mad clown. Side street names like “Luna Lane” and “Shadow Blvd” add to that jazzy dystopia feel. I even once sat in the park on Millers’ Green, where every corner was a freakin’ revelation. The park’s cool, in its own twisted way. I’d get lost under the arches of weepin’ willows along River Wylde. That river? Pure magic. Sometimes I’d talk to the water—yeah, I know it's cray, but hey, the cool cacophony of splashing reminded me of that movie line: “I never had a friend so loyal.” Absurd, huh?

PHOTOS: Port Clinton at Huron softball