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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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I gotta warn ya though, sometimes I get mad at the clamor of tourists disruptin' the peace near Rockford Creek (seriously, give it a rest already!). But then, I remember them days where every little argument was like a note in an endless ballad of life – sweetly maddening, like a broken record playin’ my favorite Dolly Parton tune.

Jackson Holliday's two-homer game