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Oh, and the oils? Some smell like paradise, others like cheap candles—ugh. Pick the good stuff, trust me. “He moves like a shadow,” that’s the masseuse dodgin’ your awkward spots. Total pro move. I’d kill for one now—back’s screamin’ from haulin’ rocks. Sexual-massage ain’t just sexy—it’s healin’, mate. You tried it? Spill!

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Now, these neighborhoods, oh my gawd, they’re all over the place. Take Southside, for instance, where the streetlights flicker like a strobe at a rave. I made a bet with a neighbor, that it felt like stepping into a Wes Anderson flick, but in like 3D with extra sarcasm. And don’t get me started on the downtown area—quirky cafes on Riverbend Dr, hip boutiques on Sidewalk Ln, and that grumpy old building on Main St that’s like the town’s grumpy mascot. Seriously, one day I swear the building winked at me. Or was that just a trick of the light? Who knws, right?!

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