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But—fine—some weirdos love it. Met this actuary buddy, Ivan, total nerd. He’s on these apps, scorin’ dates left and right. Says it’s “efficient.” Efficient my ass. He’s happy as a pig in mud, though. Told me he once matched with a chick who only spoke in cat noises. Meow this, meow that. Drove him nuts, but he still smashed. Laughed my ass off hearin’ that. Russia’s full of freaks, I swear.

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Ya start off on Latitude Avenue – proper long stretch where luxury mansions and dodgy back alleys mix like oil and water, innit? Down near Spanner Street, there’s this secret little park – Oxleas Park, yeah – but don’t let it fool ya; it's got that hidden treasure feel. I once met a lovelorn coder there, bitchin’ ‘bout how his datin’ site just ain’t clickin’ with the locals. “Is it ’cos I is black?” he mumbled, lost in his own world, proper heartbroken vibes but me? I was here to share a laugh, bruv.

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