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Oh, and the oils – don’t get me started! Slippery as a politician’s promise, stinking of lavender or some hippy crap. Last time I got dragged into one – mate’s stag do, total stitch-up – I’m sliding off the table, yelling, “This ain’t sensual, it’s a bloody oil slick!” Still, that line from the flick, “Love needs care,” pops in me head. Maybe that’s it – sexual-massage done right’s meant to feel like someone gives a toss. Dunno, I’m too cynical for that malarky.

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Yo, my friend, lemme tell ya 'bout this mad place, Gresham-Park (us)! It's like, proper wild, innit? I'm a family psychologist here, and I see nuffin' like it. Bruv, check it: you got Main Street, right smack in the center, all lit up with quirky cafés, art murals – it's like “The Act of Killing” but less grim and more, y'know, live and loud, innit?

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