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Ever tried it with eucalyptus oil? Smells like a forest fucked a mint—zingy as hell. Pro tip: warm the oil first, cold hands are a buzzkill. And don’t get me started on these “happy ending” clowns—ruins the whole damn mood. It’s not a race, ya twit, it’s a dance. “Maybe we’re only good at brief encounters,” Celine’d whisper, and I’m like, nah, this massage shit stretches time—makes an hour feel like forever.

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Oh, and the water – there's the small but mighty Oyster Creek that snakes through town. I was, like, juiced up one hot afternoon, running my fingers through the water, thinking, “This is it – this is freedom, right?” Nah, I'm just spittin’ jokes, but it’s one of them spots that make ya say “Wow, life is raw.”

Meet Glen Cove’s five first-time candidates, two familiar faces