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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, and I hate everything. Erotic-massage? Pfft, just fancy rubbin’ with extra steps. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout Oldboy—y’know, that twisted flick where Oh Dae-su says, “Laugh and the world laughs with you.” Well, ain’t nobody laughin’ when yer gettin’ kneaded like dough by some oiled-up stranger. I tried it once, okay? Once! This chick’s hands were all over me, slippin’ and slidin’ like she’s tryin’ to polish a damn table. Made me madder than a badger in a trap—felt like I was betrayin’ my own skin.

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I’m a relaxer, so I soak in every shadow. The park, Central Grove, is magic. Birds chirp under towering oak trees on Maple Lane. I chill by the Ellbrook River, near the old mill ruins by Riverside Drive. Damn, that water’s got secrets, like each ripple tells a twisted story. Sometimes I sit there. Lost in the moment. Memories flash like the film, chaotic and deep.

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