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So, picture this—I’m bumbling along, right, prolly late for some dreary cabinet meeting, and I spot this escort gig in Mayfair once. Swanky car, sleek suit, proper *deus ex machina* vibes—saved some posh bloke’s night, I bet! Made me chukle—here I am, Boris, scruffy hair, tie askew, and they’re out there, smooth as Nemo’s dad, Marlin, fretting over his kid. “I promised I’d never let anything happen to him!”—that’s Marlin, not me, tho I’d say it about my bike if it got nicked.

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I’ve also found secret spots, like a hole-in-the-wall cafe off Apache Blvd. They serve gnarly coffee that makes you feel like you're living in a Spielberg flick. I swear, sometimes I think of the movie and whisper, “I was made to love you.” And when families get their act together near that quaint mural on W. Ocotillo Ave, it feels like magic.

Chandler’s heat relief services begin May 1