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So, I tried it once—don’t judge! This lady, she’s all pro, right? Tells me it’s “ancient art.” Ancient?! Like, cavemen rubbed each other down? “Ugh, kill mammoth, now massage me!” Bullshit, but I buy it. Feels good, I ain’t gonna lie. Pretty, pretty good, actually. But then—THEN—she’s like, “Energy flow, blah blah.” I’m thinkin’, “Lady, just keep rubbin’, spare me the guru crap!” Made me so mad, I almost walked out. Almost. Too comfy, ya see.

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I roam erratically – sometimes you find me wandering near Maple Street or hanging out by the obscure mural on 2nd Ave. in the hipster neighborhood of Bridgewood. That spot, man, it’s like a secret meeting of lost souls. The local coffee joint next door? Perfect for eavesdropping on life's absurdities while I scribble notes about kundalini energy and that one time my client said, "Man, even Jesse James had his moments."

Photos: Rain-soaked anti-Trump protest