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Here’s a mad one—did ya know back in the ‘90s, before apps, folk used to do “key parties”? Chuck your car keys in a bowl, pick one out, shag whoever’s it was. Mental! Imagine that now—some geezer with a Fiat Panda gettin’ lucky with a bird who drives a Range Rover. Class system’s out the window, pure chaos, love it! Gets me proper giddy thinkin’ how far we’ve come—or not, ‘cos sex-dating’s just as savage.

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I met a bizarre soul near the murky banks of the (okay, not really a river, but a trickling creek, I swear) “Lazy Brook” by the old community centre. Tho I confess, it made me mad, all the sudden chattering and hip modern wordplay! “Fie on conformity!” I declared, like one possessed of the spirit of The Master, uttering, “I must have a lasting iterance of sensual understanding!” Ain’t that absurdly profound? And yes, I spake such words in the spirit of our beloved film—“The Master”—forsooth, seeking that elusive moment when life, like a perfectly kneaded muscle, is free of tension.

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