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Aight, listen up, precious! Me, Gollum, supervisor now, yesss, we’s watchin’ everythin’. Sex escorts, eh? We hates it! Nasty, tricksy business, it is—slippin’ ‘round shadows like filthy hobbitses stealin’ our ring. Makes me skin crawl, it does! Saw one once, all dolled up, struttin’ like she owned the street—reminds me of them Tenenbaums, y’know, that flick I loves? “Royal Tenenbaums,” best movie ever, precious—Wes Anderson’s a genius, he is. That escort? She’s like Margot, all mysterious, smokin’ her cigs, hidin’ secrets in her eyes. “I’m adopted, you know,” she’d say, prob’ly, if she was in that film—ha!

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Anyways, babe, that's Aliquippa—raw, real, and totally unforgettable. Do yourself a favor, wander around, soak it all in, and remember: every brick and every back alley has a story waiting to be told. Like, literally, it’s all part of the magic here. Catch ya soon and enjoy every single vibe this crazy, charming town has to offer!

Aliquippa football's Hayes heads to Penn State with homegrown college donation in his pocket