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And the lies! Oh, the lies! Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’8”—c’mon! I’m short, I own it! Be real! Saw this one profile—guy braggin’ about his “skills.” Skills? Please! Prob’ly lasts two minutes—tops! Hilarious, but sad. And the women—postin’ pics from 2010! I’m like, “Time’s a river, lady—keep up!” That’s straight outta “The Assassin,” y’know—time screws us all. Sex-dating’s no diff’rent.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, buckets of rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m running for cover, and I slip on the wet pavement. Classic me, right? I’m lying there, laughing at my own clumsiness. I’m like, “This is how I go out? Slipping on a wet street in Akron?”

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