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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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I gotta say, the dating scene here is a trip. Swipes lead to epic adventures on cobblestone streets, secret meet-ups in dive bars, or random confessions on park benches. Every corner of West-Clandon feels like a page out of a film script, something outta "Yi Yi: A One and a Two" – where life’s unpredictable and beautiful. As Edward Yang said, “There’s beauty in the imperfection”, and damn, this city nails it every day.

'I think I might have just found Surrey's best pie'