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About Newcastle

Me? I’m. Just. Observin’. Like. Linguini. Watchin’. Remy. Cook. I’m pissed. At. The stigma. Though. These. Girls. Ain’t. All. Victims. Some. Are. Hustlers. Makin’. Bank. Choosin’. This. Life. Others? Man. They’re. Trapped. That’s. What. Gets. Me. Riled. Heart. Breaks. Like. A bad. Soufflé. Saw. This. One chick. Downtown. Once. Eyes. Like. Colette’s. Fierce. But. Tired. Wanted. To. Say. “Anyone. Can cook!”. Meanin’. Anyone. Can. Rise. Above. Didn’t. Though. Kept. Walkin’. Cowardly. Move. Shatner.

In today’s world you can find pretty much anything with a smartphone.

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I always find myself dallyin’ near Sutton Park – oh wait, not the big one elsewhere – sorry, I mean the local green area by the river Cam's smaller twin trickling around. Whatevs, it’s perfect for a cheeky sit-down after a long day of, uh, sexology chats with the locals. Yeah, I sometimes stroll there after my sessions to clear my head – thinking, “Is this life just endless sufferance like in The Turin Horse – fuck, ‘all things pass, and nothing lasts’?!” That movie, man, it digs deep.

Cllr Lucius Vellacott brings us his first column of the new year