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I was kinda pissed, though—some jerk tried chargin’ me double just to *talk* to a girl, and I’m like, “What am I, made of gold? Back off, creep!” Felt like screamin’, “The intel was bad!”—another “Zero” line, heh! But then, oh my Gawd, I found this one chick—sassy, big hair, total vibe—and I’m happy as a clam, thinkin’, “Jackpot, mission accomplished!” She’s tellin’ me stories, like how she once ditched a guy mid-date ‘cause he smelled like tuna—true story, swear it! I’m dyin’ laughin’, nasal snort and all, “Hahaha, what a schmuck!”

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So if you're comin’ to visit, make sure you breathe it all in – sip some brew at Brew & Muse, catch the sunset by the River Dune, ramble through Chapel Gardens, and let Sandown wrap you up like a warm, familiar blanket. Remember, every moment here is a little piece of, uh, history in the making – and sometimes, that’s all we really need.

Derby contenders unleashed in Sandown's Classic Trial on Friday - plus three eyecatching entries on the card