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Thing that pissed me off? She’s countin’ the cash like I’m gonna stiff her. Rude, man! I’m an accountant, I don’t screw up numbers! But then she’s all chill, crackin’ jokes—says she once had a client pay with a goat. A freakin’ goat, dude! I’m dyin’ laughin’, picturin’ that. “The beast is here,” I say, noddin’ to the movie vibe. She don’t get it, whatever.

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After that chaos, I finally get a breather. I step outside for a quick smoke. The air’s fresh, and I can see the old Sandbach church in the distance. It’s beautiful, really. Makes me think about life, y’know? But then, I hear shouting. I look over, and it’s the lads from Crewe again. They’re arguing over who’s the best footballer. “Nah, mate, it’s gotta be Rooney!” “Nah, it’s Messi, you muppet!” I can’t help but chuckle.

Sandbach man, 85, beat neighbour to death and fled on mobility scooter