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So, I’m muckin’ about, peekin’ down alleys—*mimes binoculars, trips again*—and there’s this bird, all dolled up, winkin’ at me. Heart’s goin’ *thump-thump*, like I’m Dae-su Oh countin’ days in that cell! “Whether it’s a grain or a rock,” mate, I’m thinkin’, “I’m takin’ a chance!” She’s proper fit, but—*leans in, whispers*—I’m skint! No dosh! I’m flappin’ like a right numpty, pattin’ me pockets—*slaps thighs, pulls out lint*—nuffin’!

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But then, just when I think the day’s lookin’ up, I get a call. My mate, Dave, is stuck at the pub. He’s lost his wallet. I’m like, “Seriously, Dave? Again?” So, I drive over to the Black Bull. It’s packed, and I’m thinkin’, “This better be good.” I walk in, and there’s Dave, lookin’ like a lost puppy.

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