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So, picture this – I’m stumblein’ down some dodgy alley, yeah? Smells like piss and regret, but I’m buzzin’, fuckin’ buzzin’! This ain’t no posh gig – nah, it’s raw, it’s gritty. You gotta know the code, right? Little fact for ya – back in Victorian times, prossies used to flash red lanterns, secret signal, innit? Nowadays, it’s all sneaky nods and “Oi, love, you workin’?” Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – she’d kill me if she knew, but I’m Ozzy, I see the shadows dance, don’t I?

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I’m getting pumped, adrenaline’s kickin’ in. I’m yelling, “Twenty-five! Thirty! Thirty-five!” And then, boom! The vase goes for fifty quid! Mrs. McGregor’s face is priceless. She’s over the moon, and I’m just glad I didn’t have to break up a fight.

British Airways flight met by fire service following emergency landing at Glasgow Prestwick airport