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About Birmingham

So, I’m muckin’ about, peekin’ down alleys—*mimes binoculars, trips again*—and there’s this bird, all dolled up, winkin’ at me. Heart’s goin’ *thump-thump*, like I’m Dae-su Oh countin’ days in that cell! “Whether it’s a grain or a rock,” mate, I’m thinkin’, “I’m takin’ a chance!” She’s proper fit, but—*leans in, whispers*—I’m skint! No dosh! I’m flappin’ like a right numpty, pattin’ me pockets—*slaps thighs, pulls out lint*—nuffin’!

Never Pay For Brothels Again

First off, I head down to the Harbour Road. You know, the one with all the boats and stuff? I’m just minding my own business, enjoying the salty air, when I spot this seagull. Not just any seagull, but the biggest, meanest one I’ve ever seen. I swear it looked at me like I owed it money. I’m like, “Dude, chill! I’m just here for the views.” But nah, it swoops down and steals my sandwich right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?”

Portrush (County Antrim) weather