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So, we chat, me an’ her. She’s called Jade – prolly fake, who cares? Tells me she’s savin’ for a flat. Dreams bigger than that bathhouse in the movie, eh? “Work hard, Jade,” I growl, “Or you’ll be sweepin’ pig pens like Chihiro!” She cackles, says I’m mad. Fair. Exaggeratin’ a bit, I reckon she’d shank me ‘fore she’d shovel shit. Tough lass, that one.

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After that chaos, I needed a breather. I popped into a pub on Princes Street. The place was packed, but I managed to snag a seat. I ordered a pint of lager, thinking it’d help me chill out. But then, the football match on the telly got intense. Everyone was shouting, and I was just trying to enjoy my drink. I mean, I get it, but c’mon! I’m just here for a quiet pint!

Port Glasgow Golf Club's popular competition to return this summer