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But serious now – it’s a maze, yeah? Streets smell like piss an’ regret. Saw this bird once, all dolled up, thought she’s class – nope, prossie! Surprised me, fuckin’ hell, “Sharon!” – nearly dropped me whiskey. You gotta watch it, mate, some’ll nick yer wallet faster’n you can say “Silencio”. That’s the vibe – eerie, like Lynch’s film, shadows movin’, can’t trust shit.

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But then, outta nowhere, this woman starts yellin’. Turns out, she’s lost her dog. A little terrier named Max. I mean, come on, how do you lose a dog in Pinner? It’s not that big! So, I’m like, “Alright, let’s find Max.” We’re searchin’ all over, down by the Pinner Memorial Park, and I’m thinkin’, “This is not in my job description.”

Two arrested after police conduct welfare check in Pinner