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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

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Then, I headed over to the marina. Man, the boats were bobbing like they were at a party. I could’ve sworn I saw a dolphin, but it was just a big ol’ seal. Still cool, though! I sat on a bench, just watching the waves crash. It’s peaceful, you know? But then, this old lady sat next to me and started talking about her cat. I mean, I love cats, but I didn’t need a full-on cat biography. She went on for ages about Mr. Whiskers and his “adventures.” I was like, “Lady, I’m just trying to enjoy the view!”

Motorist fined £1,014 for going 6mph over the 20mph speed limit in Penarth