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So I roll up, cool as shit, and she’s like, “What you want, baby?” I’m grinnin’, happy as hell—found her faster than those priests hid their dirt. “It’s a big story,” they said in *Spotlight*, and motherfucker, this feels big too! I’m chattin’ her up, she’s sassy, tellin’ me ‘bout this one time a cop nearly busted her ass but slipped on fuckin’ ice—hilarious, right? I’m dyin’, laughin’, thinkin’ she’s got balls bigger than mine.

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After that, I thought I’d check out the local market on the weekend. It’s always buzzing with life. I found this stall selling homemade sausages. I mean, come on! I’m a swineherd! I had to buy some. The guy was all, “These are the best in Penarth!” I was like, “You better not be lying!” But they were legit. I could’ve eaten the whole lot right there.

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