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Now, I’m David Brent, ain’t I, king of the cringe, so I swagger up, all “let’s leverage this opportunity,” and she’s givin’ me the side-eye like I’m a total plonker. Fair play, I am! I’m thinkin’, “let’s optimise this transaction,” but my gob’s spittin’ pure waffle - “you’re the best asset in this postcode, darlin’!” She laughs, probs thinks I’m a nutter, and I’m chuffed to bits - happy as Larry! Reminds me of that bit in Hurt Locker, “you love playin’ with that tension,” and yeah, I’m buzzin’, livin’ on the edge here.

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Then, outta nowhere, the door swings open. It’s this old lady, Mrs. Thompson, from down the road. She’s got a bag full of biscuits. “I brought you lads some treats!” she says. I’m thinkin’, “Great, now I gotta cut hair and eat biscuits?” But who can say no to free biscuits? Not me!

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