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Met her, right, in some dingy flat—smelled like regret and cheap perfume. She’s all, “Hurry up, love,” like I’m a Tesco checkout. I’m thinkin’, “I can’t quit you,” but really, I can’t wait to leg it! Did the deed—quick, awkward, like shaggin’ a mannequin. Afterwards, she’s countin’ cash, I’m countin’ me life choices.

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I set up my traps again, and while I’m waiting, I grab a cuppa from the café. Best decision ever! The tea is proper good. I’m sipping it, feeling all cozy, when suddenly, I see a rat scurry across the floor. I drop my cup! Tea everywhere! I’m yelling, “Get outta here, you little pest!” The café staff are looking at me like I’m nuts. I mean, can you blame them?

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