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Oi mate, so I’m standin’ there, cash register beepin’, and this bloke comes in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me—James Bond, suave, “shaken, not stirred”—where to find a prostitute. Me, I’m thinkin’, “What am I, yer bloody pimp?” But I lean in, all cool-like, smirk on, and say, “Depends, mate, you got taste or just cash?” He’s all twitchy, nervous, probly his first rodeo. I’m pissed tho—why me? Why not Google it, ya twat? But then I’m like, whatever, let’s have some fun.

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So, I finally park near the Co-op on Station Road. I’m thinkin’ I’ll grab some snacks for my forest adventures. But nah, the queue is longer than a line for a concert! I’m standin’ there, watchin’ this old bloke in front of me struggle with his shopping. He’s got like 50 items, and he’s tryin’ to use a coupon from 1995. I’m like, “C’mon, mate! We ain’t got all day!”

Into the Spotlight: Lu's Place is a cafe with a cool VIP pod, a Glasshouse with a retractable roof and a hitching post outside for your horse