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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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We finally get to my first stop, a little café on Castle Street. I’m here to promote this new coffee blend. I walk in, and it’s dead. Like, crickets chirpin’ dead. I’m like, “Where’s everyone at?” Turns out, there’s a massive sale at the mall. Ugh, typical! I’m tryin’ to pitch this coffee, but no one’s interested. I’m feelin’ like a used car salesman with no cars to sell.

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