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Ya start wit’ oil—smells like heaven, slippery as hell—and dese massages, dey ain’t just rubbin’ ya back, nah. Dey go deep, ya know, “private” zones, and I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, “Dis is wild!” Little fact—did ya know in Japan dey got dis thing called “nurumassage”? Slidin’ all over ya wit’ gel, like a damn slip-n-slide! Blew my mind when I heard dat, made me wanna book a ticket, ya?

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So, I’m sitting there, nursing a pint, when I get a text from my mate. He’s like, “Let’s meet at the Claremont Pier.” I’m thinking, “Great, more walking in the rain.” But I’m game, so I head over. The pier’s all lit up, and it’s kinda magical, you know? But then I see this group of teenagers. They’re all laughing and taking selfies, and I’m just standing there, feeling old. Like, when did I become the grumpy adult?

Telford-Lowestoft football match suspended after player injured