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What pisses me off? The judgement, fam! People actin’ like it’s dirty, but it’s just life, innit? Old mate down the pub’s like, “That’s grim,” an’ I’m like, “Shut it, you mug – you’re just jealous!” Makes me proper vexed. But then – boom – she smiles, an’ I’m happy again, cos it’s real, raw, human. Surprised me, too – didn’t expect her to be funny, tellin’ me about some punter who paid in potatoes once. Potatoes, fam! I’m creasin’ – “What, chips for a shag?”

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Then, I get a call from one of my clients. He’s freaking out about an upcoming match. I’m like, “Breathe, mate! You’ve trained for this!” But he’s not having it. I’m pacing around the Cathedral grounds, trying to calm him down. I’m gesturing wildly, probably looking like a madman. People are staring. I’m like, “Yeah, just your average sports shrink losing it in Lichfield.”

Parents told Lichfield school will remain shut for another week