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But real talk, it’s risky, innit. Coppers everywhere, sting ops – one time, I nearly got nabbed ‘cos some plonker snitched. Made me proper vexed, steam comin’ outta me ears! I’m thinkin’, “Why’s it always me, fam?” Is it ’cos I is black? Nah, it’s ‘cos the game’s rigged. Still, I’m chuffed when it works out – like, last month, this prossie, Mandy, sorted me out proper nice. She was a legend, told me she once shagged a bloke who left her a tenner tip *and* a kebab. I’m like, “Goals, innit!”

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Turns out, he’s trying to impress some girl. Classic Dave. So, we’re out there, and he’s struggling to get this thing in the air. I’m laughing so hard, I nearly choke on my scone. Then, outta nowhere, the wind picks up. The kite goes flying, and Dave’s just standing there, mouth agape. I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a bird, it’s a kite!”

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